When I am Tested + Tried

In the past I have found, whenever I am growing closer to God, I am drawing nearer to Him and my life is going well, suddenly something happens. Walls crash around me, rocks jab into my sides all around me. I cannot continue in the way I am going, for suddenly compromise of many kinds are revealed all around. Everywhere I look glistens as though to intrigue me to follow, almost pulling me from every direction.

Confusion spins in my head as I try to figure out which way to go.

Hiding my face, I cover my eyes, hoping the passing sparkles will fade away. They never last, why am I being attracted to them? If only I could find myself somewhere else, far from all these things. Swallowing, I realize, I must find Him here, yes here even among these glistening things demanding my attention all around. Here alone I will see God’s power displayed in my life. Here alone is where He has called me to plant this seed so it may bloom for His glory. How may I bloom unless – unless I let it go?

Tightly I grasp it in my hands, it is one of those glistening things. It seems so right to hold it, for then it is mine, for it seems I have nothing else. If only I could hold it forever! Yet the glisten fades as I squeeze it in my had, the seed sharply pricks my skin, causing pain and blood to trickle down. The longer I hold it, the worse it gets. Falling onto my knees, tears rushing down my face I open both my hands and cry out to the only One who can save me. The seed falls to the ground. Tears still streaming, I then rise, reaching my hands towards the heavens, He is the only one who could ever satisfy me. He continues to test me, will I desire Him alone, or will these little pretty things catch my attention again? {James 1:2-4; John 6:6}

It is not instantly that my seed grows, it was not until it died. {John 12:24} On that day a sorrow filled my heart, yet also a delight began to arise, slowly but surely life poked through the dead seed buried deep within the dirt. Life sprung up quietly but confidently. I never wanted to look back to my old seed, it was gone now, no more for me to hold. {2 Corinthians 5:17}

Again, I grew closer to my Father and as He revealed Himself more to me, my delight in Him increased. I knew all that had been done, was done in Him. He truly satisfies the longing heart. {Psalm 107.:9} The Father always is watching from above, as I grew more confident and happy in the way I was going, He permitted new glistening seeds to entice my eyes. They seemed very good in my eyes, thus reaching out, I took hold of a few more seeds.

He then asked me to let them go, yet as He tugged at my heart, indeed my eyes said otherwise. The Lord weighed my spirit, it desired after this for my own purposes and not for His glory. {Proverbs 16:2} Instead of seeking to please my King, I tried to forget His bidding, as though He had gone on a far away journey. {Judges 17:6; Luke 19:11-27} As my feet went along, I grew weary along the path and knew the only One who could save. He promises whoever should call upon His Name, will be saved. {Romans 10:13} As though I was calling, it seemed no one was there. Perhaps He truly was away on a long journey.

My endurance was fading, how could I be saved? {Matthew 24:13} I had to pause, I had to rest, my head was faint. I was not sure if I could make another step. Confused and disoriented, I remembered His Word, to renew my mind to His perspective. Only when I allow Him to change my way of thinking, away from the worlds, away from thinking this life is all that matters, I realize Who He is and see His patience in my life. His loving kindness is what lead me once again, to repentance. As I drew near to Him, I found Him near, His tender voice again asking me to let go of  all I was holding so tightly to. {James 4:8} He tested me yet again, and allowed me to come forth this time, shining as gold. {Job 23:10}

As this journey continues, He always allows new areas for me to surrender to Him. He brings new situations of which I cannot escape, but find His presence and nearness there. I am finding I must be willing and ready to hear His voice behind me saying, "This is the Way, walk in it." {Isaiah 30:21} He may be speaking, yet am I willing to listen? Am I willing to give up even my comforts, my dreams, friendships, my desire to be loved by anyone but Him? 

"Comrades in this solemn fight...let us settle it as something that cannot be shaken:

We are here to live holy, loving, lowly lives.

We cannot do this unless we walk very, very close to the Lord Jesus.

Anything that would hinder us from the closest walk that is possible to us till we see Him face to face is not for us.

We need to be sensitive to the first approach of the hindering thing."

Drawing Near

"You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you."»James 4:3-10

Imagine. Being an enemy of God. A place, I assume, we would never want to be if we desire to follow our Father. Yet do we have anything of the world in us, do we have desires which we wish to spend on our passions? I find this is something that continually needs to be rooted out of my life. Wrong passions which are not from the Father but are in my flesh. I see something, I want it. I enjoy what makes me feel good, it might not be wrong yet I begin to put it above my love and devotion to the Father. In pride I can find myself trying to make things work my own way rather than humbling myself, becoming little in my own eyes and seeking His approval and will instead. 

He gives more grace. What an encouragement. What a refreshment! Oh to never forget! He gives us more grace. Not only so, He also jealously yearns to dwell in us. He wants every single part of us! If we are proud, He cannot put up with us. Nevertheless, if we humble ourselves and see our need of Him, He will come to us. 

At times He will test us to see where our hearts are at. I believe this is more of a revealing of our own hearts so we can see what we truly are longing after. Will we desire to draw near to Him through this test or will our own passions seem more enticing? Sometimes He will wait until the last moment, and show Himself real to us. Are we willing to wait for Him?

If we have fallen, should we feel discouraged? No, rather we ought to draw near to God by cleansing our hands and purifying our hearts. When we go before Him in humility and sincerity, hearts grieved for our failure  but also longing to draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. Cry out to Him in faith, believing He is there, you will find His nearness and His love. You will find He does draw near to us IF we will draw near to Him if we truly know without a doubt He will answer. Will we believe? Will we cry out to Him in faith? Do we have this desire? 

Do we find ourselves more grieved about our cares and worries than for our Saviour, who is interceding for us? Who is calling us higher? Are we concerned about the things we are striving to do, to have, our passions, forgetting He is there jealously longing for every part of us? Will we let Him have every part? 

What are the things holding you back today from letting Him fill every corner? We must be empty before He can fill. Before we can grow, we must let go. Then the seed can fall into the ground and grow into something beautiful - in His time. 

Let's ask Him for His grace to enable us to let go. In faith, let us approach His thrown of grace finding mercy and grace in our time of need. He will see us through, He will help us through and through in our weakest areas. It is in our weakness that His strength is manifest. What a wonderful Father we have!

Where is Life?

We can know so much, we can believe in our heads without it reaching our hearts. Knowledge kills, but the Spirit gives life. {See 2 Corinthians 3:6} We need to be more earnest to have more of the Holy Spirit in our lives. He will not control us, but He gives us the desire to will and to do His will.

“for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” »Philippians 2:13

Delight yourself in Him. How can we delight ourselves in Him? We need to have renewed minds, His perspectives on this life and faith to know His Ways are truly higher. They are truly perfect. In the moment we find ourselves sinking, will we call upon Him, who loves us more than we could every understand? He’s there waiting for us to reach out to Him. He’s waiting for us to become empty so He can fill us. Until then, He may allow temptations and trials of various kinds until we come to the end of ourselves.
He doesn’t force us, yet lovingly He is watching and waiting. His lovingkindness is better than life! {See Jeremiah 31:3}

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” »Jeremiah 33:3

His Promises are great, we can know Him in deeper ways. As we go through the trials and tests, He is testing our faith. How much do we really love Him? How much do we really want to seek to please Him alone? What will we choose?

Will We Believe?

The Father allows situations and testings to happen over again sometimes, just so that we might see His Ways are better.

We often try to figure things out, thinking our ideas are better. We want them to happen so badly. Pushing past all else, we plan and scheme, wishing our plans will work. Doesn’t God give us the desires of our heart? Wait a minute, did we stop to consult God or to depend our relationship with Him? Is He not the only One who knows what is best for us? Is He not in control?

Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? »Romans 2:4

His kindness leads us to repentance. Even though the thing we desire to do might not be wrong, our hearts could be. We must check ourselves, are we in the faith? Do we believe God? Are we taking Him at His Word? Is He not the One we long to please before anything or anyone else? Yet even after we make our plans, fretting as they aren’t exactly how we hoped, Gods kindness is still greater. He’s wanting to lead us even closer to Himself!

The Father wants us to be completely dependent upon Him. He wants us to know Him in deeper ways than before. It’s a loving relationship. He cares for us more than we can imagine. He doesn’t lord it over us; but lovingly knows exactly what is best for us.

Every day we must renew our minds to this, to remember His Ways are truly higher. He is a wonderful Father and His loving kindness is drawing us closer to Him as we see His patience towards us even when we stumble. He cares, He’s not out their to hurt us, but to draw us closer into His arms, open wide. He will do abundantly exceedingly more than we ask or imagine. Do we believe? When we see His kindness, will we reach out to Him, running into His arms? He’s watching. He’s waiting.