Confusion spins in my head as I try to figure out which way to go.
Hiding my face, I cover my eyes, hoping the passing sparkles will fade away. They never last, why am I being attracted to them? If only I could find myself somewhere else, far from all these things. Swallowing, I realize, I must find Him here, yes here even among these glistening things demanding my attention all around. Here alone I will see God’s power displayed in my life. Here alone is where He has called me to plant this seed so it may bloom for His glory. How may I bloom unless – unless I let it go?
Tightly I grasp it in my hands, it is one of those glistening things. It seems so right to hold it, for then it is mine, for it seems I have nothing else. If only I could hold it forever! Yet the glisten fades as I squeeze it in my had, the seed sharply pricks my skin, causing pain and blood to trickle down. The longer I hold it, the worse it gets. Falling onto my knees, tears rushing down my face I open both my hands and cry out to the only One who can save me. The seed falls to the ground. Tears still streaming, I then rise, reaching my hands towards the heavens, He is the only one who could ever satisfy me. He continues to test me, will I desire Him alone, or will these little pretty things catch my attention again? {James 1:2-4; John 6:6}
It is not instantly that my seed grows, it was not until it died. {John 12:24} On that day a sorrow filled my heart, yet also a delight began to arise, slowly but surely life poked through the dead seed buried deep within the dirt. Life sprung up quietly but confidently. I never wanted to look back to my old seed, it was gone now, no more for me to hold. {2 Corinthians 5:17}
Again, I grew closer to my Father and as He revealed Himself more to me, my delight in Him increased. I knew all that had been done, was done in Him. He truly satisfies the longing heart. {Psalm 107.:9} The Father always is watching from above, as I grew more confident and happy in the way I was going, He permitted new glistening seeds to entice my eyes. They seemed very good in my eyes, thus reaching out, I took hold of a few more seeds.
It is not instantly that my seed grows, it was not until it died. {John 12:24} On that day a sorrow filled my heart, yet also a delight began to arise, slowly but surely life poked through the dead seed buried deep within the dirt. Life sprung up quietly but confidently. I never wanted to look back to my old seed, it was gone now, no more for me to hold. {2 Corinthians 5:17}
Again, I grew closer to my Father and as He revealed Himself more to me, my delight in Him increased. I knew all that had been done, was done in Him. He truly satisfies the longing heart. {Psalm 107.:9} The Father always is watching from above, as I grew more confident and happy in the way I was going, He permitted new glistening seeds to entice my eyes. They seemed very good in my eyes, thus reaching out, I took hold of a few more seeds.
He then asked me to let them go, yet as He tugged at my heart, indeed my eyes said otherwise. The Lord weighed my spirit, it desired after this for my own purposes and not for His glory. {Proverbs 16:2} Instead of seeking to please my King, I tried to forget His bidding, as though He had gone on a far away journey. {Judges 17:6; Luke 19:11-27} As my feet went along, I grew weary along the path and knew the only One who could save. He promises whoever should call upon His Name, will be saved. {Romans 10:13} As though I was calling, it seemed no one was there. Perhaps He truly was away on a long journey.
My endurance was fading, how could I be saved? {Matthew 24:13} I had to pause, I had to rest, my head was faint. I was not sure if I could make another step. Confused and disoriented, I remembered His Word, to renew my mind to His perspective. Only when I allow Him to change my way of thinking, away from the worlds, away from thinking this life is all that matters, I realize Who He is and see His patience in my life. His loving kindness is what lead me once again, to repentance. As I drew near to Him, I found Him near, His tender voice again asking me to let go of all I was holding so tightly to. {James 4:8} He tested me yet again, and allowed me to come forth this time, shining as gold. {Job 23:10}
As this journey continues, He always allows new areas for me to surrender to Him. He brings new situations of which I cannot escape, but find His presence and nearness there. I am finding I must be willing and ready to hear His voice behind me saying, "This is the Way, walk in it." {Isaiah 30:21} He may be speaking, yet am I willing to listen? Am I willing to give up even my comforts, my dreams, friendships, my desire to be loved by anyone but Him?
"Comrades in this solemn fight...let us settle it as something that cannot be shaken:
We are here to live holy, loving, lowly lives.
We cannot do this unless we walk very, very close to the Lord Jesus.
Anything that would hinder us from the closest walk that is possible to us till we see Him face to face is not for us.
We need to be sensitive to the first approach of the hindering thing."
